my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
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I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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