Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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