I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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