So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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