Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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