My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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