I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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