I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize