he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
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His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
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all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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