Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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