omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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