i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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