My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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