The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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