Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
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Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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