Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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