apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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