The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
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Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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