I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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