And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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