If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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