Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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