my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
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He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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