i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Duck Duck Cougar?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize