Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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