I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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