Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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