grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
soo... how was my night?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
