Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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