So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
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Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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