so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize