well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
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Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
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Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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