My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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