Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
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I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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