my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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