Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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