Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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