It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
either way he was missing a nipple.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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