I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize