I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
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Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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