it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
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She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He shit in the fireplace
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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