She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize