I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
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we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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