I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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