Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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