Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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