i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
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My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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