I have demons in me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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