Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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