rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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